God and I have had an on/off relationship , like many of my
relationships. It’s tough love. God is perfect; I am not; but he allows me to
bask in the rays of love now and then. He’s all knowing and all seeing and I’m
just blinded by his power. I don’t see what he sees so whenever I ask for
something he knows better. “Anything you can do, I can do better,” doesn’t
apply here. God doesn’t play games with mortals but he sure has a wicked sense
God is supposed to be a positive being yet he/she says “no” to my
whims and fancies. On the few occasions that he says “yes” then I know that God
is a woman. It’s gender thing, men love to say “no”(and spoil the party) and women just want to say “yes” to every
designer thing that comes their way.
If God is love then he takes long vacations. I’ve felt his
absence many times in my life. Feeling unloved distorts your emotional vision.
In the dark moments, I crave for comfort and escape into a fantasy world where
love and warmth come attached with a price tag.
I used shoes, clothes and cosmetics to get through the emotional
dramas in my life whilst neglecting my spirit. New and shiny things are a
distraction and they do make me happy….yes they really do. God wasn’t
I guess I was always looking for a hero; someone who’d save me
from myself. There were a few likely candidates but I was too insecure to trust
them completely. Timeless wisdom says “love like you’ve never been hurt, dance
as if no one’s watching and shop as if your Louboutin’s aren’t killing you – I couldn’t…. I was a
During trying times, God was watching over me but he must have
been shaking his head in disapproval knowing that I was crashing headlong into
disaster. But since he gave me free will, I thought I’d show him that he was
wrong and I was right.
As you know, God never makes a mistake but he certainly allowed
me to – many of them – for a very long time – until I decided it was enough. I
had to stop the less than loving things I’d heap upon myself, the biggie was allowing
people to walk all over me.
When I eventually asserted myself, I made enemies. God may be
inclined to love them but I found avoidance a better path. I had to
detach myself, retreat, in order to create
an improved version of myself. God rarely says“yes” to any of my schemes; he
knows their driven by my ego and he doesn’t like it much. I guess he’s a damage limitation agent.
How does he know what’s right for me?
When I asked for a hero, God said : “ No, a hero is what you make of yourself with
the talents you have”
When I asked for stability, God said: “ No, instability will change
your misguided priorities”
When I asked for someone to love me, God said: “ No, you have to find
enough love inside of you first”
When I asked for comfort, God said: “No, you’ll become a slave to it”
When I asked for fame, God said: “ No, you may forget who you really
are and anyway fame’s overrated……….take it from me!”
When I asked for money, God said: “No, your mind is richer”
When I asked for more time, God said: “No, you’ll only waste it!”
When I asked for a near perfect life, God said: “Impossible!”
When I asked for a cleaner kitchen/bigger house, God said: “Bricks
& mortar alone don’t keep you warm at night. Make your heart a sweet home
for the weary and troubled.
When I asked for a newer car, God said: “ Travel with a light heart
and you’ll always arrive at your desired destination.
When I asked for the latest fashion, God said,” No, fill your heart
(not your wardrobe) with precious things”
When I asked for beauty, God said: “look in the mirror!”
When I asked for a loving partner to take care of me, God said: “I am
your resource and in developing spiritual skills you’ll find him…or her.
When I asked for courage, God said: “ No, being human is courage
enough, you’re just too stubborn to believe in it.”
When I asked for a problem free life, God said: “ No way! Its unnatural
and you’ll never find your spirit.
When I asked for inspiration, God said: “you are one to me!”
When I asked for my dreams to come true, God said: “you are mine and I
believe in you”
When I asked for unconditional love, God said: “you cannot ask for something
you already know and have. Allow yourself to be the giver and receiver and go
with that flow!
When I asked for the good times to last, God said: “No way honey,
nothing’s built to last in your world!”
When I asked to be saved, God said: “I’ve done it so many times”.
God obviously has great faith in me but he continues to “not deliver”
(to my plain, earthly eyes) on my prayers and wishes. Perhaps he’s dreaming a
bigger dream and my mind just can’t grasp it all.
Life is like baking a cake though some of the ingredients are
missing. Some items are purposely removed, by yours truly, so that he/she can
see what we’ll produce. We’ll mix and mould and still come up with something
palatable, if we focus on doing our best.
That’s all God wants from me – my best – and I’ve been asking for the
moon from an undiscovered galaxy.
Does God answer my prayers? Not in the way I want but it’s okay
I’m finding out what I’m made of – and where I need to make a few corrections. Whe
God says“No”…it’s not a negative; it’s a filter for the impurities. Say it out
loud and then perhaps there’ll be room for a few good things (and people) to
come into your life…….and stay.